The Lie Of Teen Sex

Although we don't intend every Romance Academy blog to be about things we saw on the tele that week, this week was particularly special in broadcast land and there is no way we’re keeping quiet.

[Apologies for the lack of pictures this week, peeps, when something needs saying, it needs saying.]

So, Wednesday night saw Channel 4 reach an all time low with their deliberately salacious programme, The Joy of Teen Sex. For those of you who didn’t see it, TJOTS was a programme that pitched itself as a ‘frank and sometimes shocking look at the world of teenage sex, complete with fears, fright and fun’ (4od). Because (as they say in the first 5 minutes of the programme) sex can be the most important thing in a teenager’s life.

Lie.

Way to set up a programme. If you know any teenagers you’ll know that this is utter rubbish. But, maybe if I was a teenager hearing that and felt that actually, GCSE’s are the most important thing in my life right now, I might be worried that there is something wrong with me.  And, if I were the parent of a teenager, I’d also be worried that my teen was sex obsessed and out compromising themselves every weekend. But it doesn’t stop there. To add to this, we are also told that:

“Although the age of consent is 16, by that time the average teen has slept with a least 3 people. “

Another lie.

The reality is that most 16 year olds have not slept with anyone.

Young people, if you are reading this and you haven’t slept with anyone by the time you’re 16 and beyond; do not feel pressured. There is NOTHING wrong with you.

Can you believe that we even need to say that?

This is a programme made by adults, for young people, supposedly. Yet it was shown after the watershed and you have to be 18 (confirmed by ticking a box) to watch it online. It seems as though there is some confusion as to who this programme is really for and it showed. How dare we contribute to, nay, encourage a culture of overt sexualisation one minute and then be mortified when our teens engage in risky business, the next?! Or why have a watershed in the first place?

This idea can be summed up by The Social Amplification of Risk Framework (SARF), a theory developed in the 1980's, that talks about how communication of an event or threat can, once passed through intermediate stations (such as programmes like The Joke of Teen Sex), become either amplified or attenuated by the receiver (i.e., us) and then normalized. 

Basically, if we are telling young people that STI’s are on the rise and that they are under more pressure to have ‘more adventurous sex than ever’ and then see an increase in the damaging consequences of these incidences, we can’t be surprised? The response should never be programmes like The Joy of Teen Sex. A prime example of SARF.

This utterly irresponsible statement from one of the show's advisors, also sums up this theory:

"I think sometimes when we talk about teen sex in this country we become very negative about it and talk about STI's and teen pregnancies and all of those things and although it's important to address that, I think it's also important that we celebrate it and we say to young people, it's okay that you're engaging in sex, it's fine to have fun with it just be safe and enjoy it."

Is that not giving countless teenagers everywhere permission to sleep around?

Unbelievable.

Yes, sex is fun, yes it can be really enjoyable, but we need to start helping our teenagers understand sexual context. We can tell them about the risks all we like and it is important that we do that, but information alone will not prevent another teenager falling foul of the consequences of meaningless sex. ‘Safe sex’ is not limited to just contraception and the mechanics of sex.

As I sat yelling at the TV on Wednesday night I thought about all the young people I’ve seen who have been emotionally damaged from giving too much. Who slept with someone because they felt pressured/didn’t know they could say no/because they wanted to feel loved.

Yeah, let’s really ‘celebrate’ that.

We have become a nation that is obsessed with the act of genital penetration. But what we never hear is that sex is, amongst other things, about identity - the desire to be known, and surely one of the most intimate things you can do with a person. The physical can never removed from the emotional – sex isn’t safe just because he’s wearing a condom in the same way that it is never ‘just sex’.

Rachel Gardner (Director of RA), has a phrase that she often uses whenever we’re speaking about this issue and that is: “If it ain’t modeled, it ain’t mimicked.”  If we want our teens to achieve full maturation, we cannot keep selling them this fast food approach to sex. We have to help them to grow up. We have to stop telling them that being better at sex will make them a better lover and encourage them to delay sexual activity for a meaningful relationship. And on top of that make it absolutely clear that ‘perfect’ sex isn’t the key to maintaining a successful relationship. We have to begin to model things we want for our young people in our own relationships: love, faithfulness, commitment, trust and communication, of which sex is an expression.

This is why TJOTS was so shocking. It was raw. It was just bodies. It was sexual positions and piercings without even a mention of the emotional implications of ‘shagging’.  There was no talk of relationships, commitment, emotions, love (real love) or even joy, as denoted by the title. Famous Composer, Richard Wagner once said: “Joy is not in things, it's in us”. The 'Joy' of Teen Sex made sex a 'thing' and forgot the 'us'. There is no 'joy' in sex taken out of context or sex used for purely selfish gratification.

We were also shown the tragic story of Rachel, a teenage girl, who’d lost her virginity at 13 and had an abortion by 16, refusing to take any form contraception. Yes, this is frightening and we all react to it, but what is scarier is her lack self-esteem and self-awareness. This ‘extreme’ behaviour is only a symptom of something much deeper. Who is telling her that to gain love and acceptance, she doesn’t need to sleep with boys? That actually, she’s precious and can choose when and whom she gives herself to?

How far can a contraceptive injection heal the emotional damage?

But telling her truths about herself and helping her to realise her value, will. Where is Rachel’s dad whilst she is out seeking acceptance? Where is he to tell her that she is beautiful inside and out? Infact where are the good men telling boys to treat women with respect?

I know you're out there.

Let me tell you now, as an "independent, earn my own money, drive my own car, woman":  Men, you are needed.

You’re not an accessory or even a bonus. You are essential. Girls need their dads to tell them that they are precious and valued so that they won’t need to search for it elsewhere. You can help turn the tide. You can stop ‘buying’ into commodity sex and stand for something more.

The more we buy into the notion that sex is cheap, the more we are saying that relationships are cheap and the cheaper relationships become, the cheaper we (people) also become. This will be our legacy.

There is no doubt that many of you will have watched that programme open-mouthed and in despair. BUT, all is not lost. There are lots of things we can do, that don’t involve cotton-wool-ing our children or burning our television sets. Let's be proactive. Let's fight for our young people. Let's listen to them. 

If these sorts of attitudes are going to be so easily promoted to our teens, we need to be on hand to help them interpret them until the change comes (and it will.)

Romance Academy train youth practitioners to handle these hot topics with young people in a way that allows them to grow into an understanding of the real meaning of safe relationships and sex.

If you’d like to become a Romance Academy leader and work in or with a youth-sympathetic organization, then get yourself on one of our training courses. 

Click here to find out more.

Or if you just want to find out a bit more about the work that we do then come and find us at one free taster sessions up and down the country.

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If you want to read another response to this particular programme, then check out Dr Petra’s Blog: http://www.drpetra.co.uk/blog/the-joy-of-teen-sex/